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24 March 2011 @ 10:02 pm
Note from Abandoning Defences/Night Plane  
It occurs to me that some might think this letter is from me. It is not. It is from a fanfiction friend who has decided to leave fandom. I apologize for the confusion I caused by not adding this header to start with.

I'm not planning to go anywhere. Not right now.


Dear readers,

I am not going to lie--I am less than happy with the way that I left fandom. And I knew that it would cause quite a stir, but I didn't expect this much. So--take a step back. Deep breath. I'm going to give you the gist of the situation and hope that you understand.

I wrote my first story for fandom a little over a year ago. I thought it would be okay--thought I'd be able to stop, if the time ever called for it. That it wasn't such a big deal. Like, it's just a little story, right? But it was a big deal. I became emotionally dependent on feedback from you, the readers, whether it was a comment or a "favourite story" on ff.net or whatever. I started doing things that I wasn't proud of. I started losing sight of RL and, not going to lie, immersing myself in fandom. I stopped hanging out with my friends as much, visiting with relatives. I lost focus. I got caught in a downward spiral. And, eventually, it was doing more harm than good for me--personally. You have to take into account that I was living a double life in a sense, too. Nobody knew about my involvement in fandom. Nobody knew how deeply immersed I was in it, because, yeah, I got in deep. Not my family. Not my friends. Two different--completely different--worlds. And, you've got to admit, that's one heck of a secret to keep.

It was destroying me.

I made a decision because I needed to get out of it, and it was a brash decision. A quick decision. But a decision that needed to be made. I needed to stop reading--I cleared my bookmarks out. I needed to stop writing--so I got rid of all my fandom stories and deleted my accounts. And for this I am sorry. So much so. I know that there were people that had just started reading stories and were in the process of reading stories and it hurts because I know how it feels to be cut off from a story like that. But I knew that, in my heart, if I kept my stories up and kept getting feedback and kept getting people asking for "more", I wouldn't be able to hold back. I'd get sucked back in again. This may not be the case for all people, but it is for me. I'm a passionate person by nature. I'm in something with 100%--every ounce of my being--or I'm not in it at all. So, I knew I needed to quit with 100%, too.

I know my stories are archived. I know they are. I know that people have already saved it to anything using pdf files or whatever but--I needed to cut myself out of it. I needed to get myself out of the equation. And, not going to lie, it's been a week since I've left--and, barring a few RL incidents that have been a long time in coming (nothing to do with fandom, in case you're wondering), I feel so much better. I'm getting back on the right track. I appreciate you readers and everything that you've been for me--the support, the dedication. However, it wasn't good for me, literally (the cheesiest "it's not you--it's me" line in existence, but it's so true). You guys are amazing, and I hope that you'll concede to me that. I won't be back in fandom. Any fandom. Ever. But I wrote stories. As many of you said (yes, I read the posts, after tkeylasunset forwarded the addresses :P), I posted them on the internet. It's there. So, I don't mind if you circulate any stories, but I ask that it be on an ask/recieve basis only. 1:1. Please don't post them anywhere. Please don't republish. Please don't make it widely known, or whatever. That's all I ask.

You guys really are amazing. You are supportive. If you've read this far, kudos for sticking the whole way through--it's longer than I expected it to be :P. Thanks for being all that you have to me, and I'm sorry that I've had to do this, but I did. Don't stop being who you are, cause you're what make it the most worthwhile.

Thanks again. I hope that you respect my decision, and that I've communicated that it's something I had to do. Lastly: live long and prosper, yeah? :)

~ Abandoning Defences/Night Plane
Current Mood: melancholy
darke_wulf: Star Trek - Sad Spockdarke_wulf on March 25th, 2011 04:52 am (UTC)
You will obviously be missed, but I can completely understand your decision. In fact, I am impressed by your courage and determination. Best wishes to you!!
Are 6 dogs too many?tkeylasunset on March 25th, 2011 01:00 pm (UTC)
Hey - If your note was to me, thanks but I'm not going anywhere. If it was to NightPlane, I know she'll appreciate it.

I caused some confusion by not making it clear that I was posting it on behalf of NightPlane. I apologize for that.

darke_wulf: Star Trek - Spockdarke_wulf on March 27th, 2011 12:04 am (UTC)
lol. Thanks. At first I did think this was you - which I have to say, put me in something of a panic :-)

Still, the sentiments are just as true for NightPlane. I completely understand her position, and wish her only the best.
do not question, only obeysororexitium on March 25th, 2011 04:56 am (UTC)
I think that was a very wise, and honestly brave decision to make. I know what it's like to depend on feedback, and also to know what it's like to sit there staring at the 'more' comments and think...'but, that's all I have.'

I've never known what it was like to look at all my stories, and think 'that's it', but I know what it's like to give up on a single story, and to give up on all of them for the noble quest to fulfill RL, that's big and I admire it.

I hope you still continue to make appearances, if not in my life, then in LJ where I can stalk you.

Many blessings in your life's persuals!
Are 6 dogs too many?tkeylasunset on March 25th, 2011 12:59 pm (UTC)
Hey sweets, I'm not going anywhere. This note was from NightPlane. I am sorry about the confusion.
giggles149giggles149 on March 25th, 2011 09:25 am (UTC)
It took me some time to realise that it's not tkeyla going, but night_plane, sorry for being slow.

I can somewhat understand her. My issues are not that same, I have been reading fanfics for years, but only in the last 2 years I have really been exposed to lj and the 'feedback'. I have been taking a break for the last 2 months, because the amount of vitriol present on lj just got me down all the time and I wasn't enjoying things anymore. There are some really lovely people out there and I miss them hence I am making a quite comeback, but still I am shying away from my flist a bit.

Anyway, sorry to waffle on, good luck for the future and all the best :-)
Are 6 dogs too many?tkeylasunset on March 25th, 2011 01:02 pm (UTC)
It was my fault that there was confusion. I didn't make it clear that I was posting the letter on behalf of NightPlane.

I too can understand why she made the decision she did. I think many of us struggle with similar issues. Maybe we need a fanfiction writers help group.

Good to hear from you!!!
myriadproboldmyriadprobold on March 28th, 2011 01:22 am (UTC)
I'm so glad I read the comments. I got really worried. I haven't had a chance to read all your stories yet!