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19 June 2012 @ 09:40 pm
Thor is Thor in Any Universe  

Title: Thor is Thor in Any Universe
A Hawaii 5-0/Avengers mash-up. (I hesitate to call it a crossover. I'm not really sure what to call it, frankly!)
Rating: PG 
Pairing(s)/Character(s): implied Steve/Danny, Thor/Jane, Kono and Chin
Summary:  Thor needs Team Five-0's help to rescue his fair Jane.
Warnings/Notes: 1) This was written for Genre Switch on H50Land Comm on DW. It started with the recast you'll find here. It's kind of spiraled out of control from there. In the best way possible! 
2) This is crack. Cracked crack. And I've only seen The Avengers Movie. That's all I know about their Universe. Any errors are due to ignorance and possibly too much junk food over the past few days. Can you say Moon Pies for the win?!? 
And I'm sorry. Really. Really really sorry.
Word Count: ~3500


Thor is Thor in Any Universe

Kono is crossing from her office to the breakroom when the floor to ceiling windows at the end of the common area blow out. She’s still in her defensive crouch when she looks up to find a very tall, very muscular, very, very attractive man with long blond hair standing on the glass and wood he shattered with his dramatic entrance. He’s holding a gigantic, ornate hammer in a way that makes it seem as though it doesn’t weigh anything at all. But the thing is huge.

By the time Chin comes out of his office with his largest shotgun, Kono has regained her feet, three knives in one hand and the gun she pulled from her coffee cup in the other. Danny is in full rant about how they just replaced those windows and what the hell – he damn sure isn’t filling out the paperwork to have the new ones installed. Steve is standing in the doorway of his office, frowning in a most dangerous and unpredictable way.

“The destruction was unavoidable,” the tall man says in a booming voice.

“What the hell?” Danny yells at him, wondering if he really is as twice as tall as Danny or if it just seems that way.

“I require your assistance,” the man announces. “I am Thor.”

“Of course you are,” Danny says, looking up at him and his other-worldly outfit complete with cape. “Thor.”

“Yes I am Thor,” he repeats. “I require your assistance.”

Kono puts away two of her knives but not her gun. She glances back at Steve who is still doing nothing more than standing there staring at Thor with a frowning frowny face. “Boss?”

“Yeah?” Steve responds automatically without taking his eyes off Thor.

“You want to join the conversation?”

“Not really,” Steve admits.

“You have nothing to fear, Commander,” Thor says, his voice rattling the remaining windows in their offices. “I have come not to renew our blood feud but instead to request your assistance.”

“Blood feud,” Chin mouths to Kono who can only shrug.

“Blood feud?” Danny says, not as reluctant as the cousins to address those two explosive words. “BLOOD FEUD?”

“It’s a long story,” Steve says, waving it away. “Why do you need our help, Thor?”

“Jane has been abducted,” Thor says like that explains it all.

“Jane?” Kono repeats.

“She who will be queen of Asgard. She has been taken by mine enemies,” Thor announces.

“What is Jane doing here?” Steve reluctantly asks. It’s apparent he doesn’t want to know but when faced with an angry god, it’s really best to find out all the facts about what has him so upset.

“She is utilizing the Mauna Kea Observatory for her research. I offered to take her to the distant galaxy she is attempting to analyze but she prefers your Human methods of academia.”

“And someone abducted her?” Chin asks, finally lowering his shotgun. “Someone kidnapped Thor’s girlfriend?”

“Alas. My enemies are many. They are strong and they are daring. They are not intelligent,” Thor announces, shaking his head in sympathy for those dumbasses who are stupid enough to cross him.

“Why do you need our help?” Chin asks when Steve doesn’t. Steve looks like he wants to excuse himself from the conversation and the room and the entire island of Oahu.

“You are familiar with the local terrain, the local resources available to those who would dare take my Jane. I can learn these important facts but you are already in possession of them.”

They can hear Steve sigh before he crosses the office to join the others, glass crunching under his boots. “Maybe we don’t have time to be your search and rescue team.”

Thor laughs, throwing back his head and shaking the building to its foundations. “You are the Five-0. You cannot ignore a request for assistance. You and I may settle our dispute at some other time, Commander. For today, we will set it aside.”

Steve looks from Thor to the others who are waiting for him to decide. He’s the boss. It’s his decision to activate Team Five-0 or not. “We’ll do it. On one condition.”

“What is your request of me, Commander?” Thor asks. He is smiling at Steve, confident Steve is going to agree, and Kono thinks her heart may be about to melt. Why do the gods always have to be so damned attractive? What is that?

“You and I. We discuss our dispute when this is done. I have no desire to remain at loggerheads with you,” Steve says.

Thor’s brow wrinkles in an incredibly godlike adorable manner. “Loggerheads?”

“At each other’s throats. So to speak,” Steve says.

“Done,” Thor agrees. “We will share mead. We will talk. We will become brothers.”

“Only if I don’t end up like Loki,” Steve says, making Thor laugh again.

“Done,” Thor says. “We must go to the Big Island of Hawaii and trace her footsteps from when last I was in contact with her.”

“How do you know she was abducted?” Chin asks in a calm voice. He’s not about to contradict a god but pertinent facts are pertinent.

“This was delivered to me from unknown mortals,” Thor says, reaching into a pocket to pull out a scroll. An actual, honest-to-God scroll tied with a velvet red ribbon. Kono accepts it to unfurl it, reading the note written in what she can only assume is calligraphy.

“Your enemies have a lot of spare time,” Kono says, studying the scroll. From what she can make out, Jane has been taken by a Hawaiian gang new on the scene but determined to make a name for themselves. The scroll demands gold bullion to be delivered to a site they will specify in an upcoming communiqué. She hands the scroll to Chin who examines it before passing it to Steve.

“We’ve been keeping an eye on the Kolohe,” Steve says after reading the message. “Looks like they’ve decided to break into the big time.”

“What must we do to locate and rescue my fair Jane?” Thor asks.

“Wizard, Tin Man, Scarecrow,” Steve says, addressing Chin, Danny, and Kono in order. “We need to start at the Observatory. Tin Man, you head out as soon as you’re ready. We’ll follow in Clementine as soon as we’re changed.”

Danny nods and disappears into his office where there is a loud whirring sound followed by several softer clangs. It’s only a minute later that he emerges wearing his flying Tin Man suit, the jet back strapped firmly on his back, his silver and black visor over his eyes. His head is covered with a silver hood with a black lightening bolt down the center. “I’ll see you there,” he says, his voice sounding muffled and metallic. The others nod as he runs to launch himself out of the busted windows, disappearing into the bright blue Hawaiian sky.

“Clementine?” Thor finally asks, focusing on Steve.

“Our helicopter. It’s on the roof,” Steve explains. “We’ll be out in a few minutes.”

Thor nods, watching as they go to their separate offices. As promised, it’s only a couple of minutes before they emerge, dressed and ready for battle. Chin is wearing a pair of loose black pants, a black shirt, and a black overcoat that ends at his knees. Kono is wearing black jeans, a brown long sleeve shirt, and black boots that finally end mid-thigh. Steve is in black head to toe, wearing skin-tight leather pants, and a leather vest over a long-sleeve silk shirt. He is also holding his shield which is shaped like, well, a shield, narrowing to a point at the bottom, two feet across at the top with curves cut out so that there are three peaks pointing up. You know, like this only black: shield small

“We are ready to go into battle to face my new enemies?” Thor asks, looking pleased that he has chosen the right warriors to join him in his quest to free Jane.

“Sure,” Steve agrees. “Are you coming with us? Or are you and Mjolnir going to make your own way there?”

“I shall come with you in your flying machine,” Thor announces.

Steve tries hard not to sigh as he leads them up the secret stairway to the roof where the large, black helicopter is parked. Kono and Chin take their usual seats behind Steve while Thor takes shotgun since Danny’s already flown off toward the Big Island. “Everyone strapped in?”

They agree they are ready as Steve starts the chopper, radioing air traffic control that Team Five-0 will be flying to Hawaii. Once he receives clearance, the helicopter lifts off the roof, heading the way Danny has already gone.

“Why is your Team labeled the Five Zero when in truth there are only four of you? This makes no sense to me,” Thor says. He is using his normal voice which is threatening to deafen the others with the way the sound reverberates in their headphones. They instinctively turn down the volume, Steve waiting for the ringing in his ears to subside before trying to answer. It’s not the first time it’s been asked and he repeats his pat explanation.

“The Five-0 isn’t about the number of us,” Steve says. “It’s about Hawaii being the 50th state in the union.”

“What union is this of which you speak?” Thor asks.

“The United States of America,” Chin responds as Steve tries again to adjust his headphones to accommodate Thor’s volume.

“I do not understand,” Thor says, shaking his head. “You Midgardians are so provincial with your boundaries and your need to identify with rock and stone.”

“Rock and stone,” Kono repeats like she’s tasting the words.

Steve shrugs, all of his concentration presumably in piloting the chopper.

They all perk up when Danny contacts them.

“Heads up, Five-0,” his voice says into their ears. “I may have spotted our kidnappers.”

“Already?” Kono responds, sounding disappointed. She’s ready to kick some ass and take some names. Why does Danny always spoil their fun?

“Yes, Scarecrow, already. They are five miles out to sea. I’m sending you the coordinates now,” Danny says.

“How do you know it’s them?” Chin asks, looking at the map Danny has transmitted to their iPads.

“I called Kamekona to ask him what their MO is. He said snatch and grab and take them out to sea.”

“Kamekona?” Thor asks, turning around to look at Chin’s iPad.

“A friend. An informant,” Kono says.

“A mountain,” Danny says in their ears. “You got the coordinates, Captain America?”

“Commander America,” Steve corrects automatically. “I have them. ETA is eleven minutes.”

“What are you doing?” Kono asks as Thor unfastens his seatbelt.

“I can fly myself faster than your Midgardian flying machine can,” Thor says.

“Wait,” Steve says, reaching out to throw his arm across Thor’s chest but careful not to touch him. He made that mistake. Once. And he’s a quick learner. “You wanted our help. We’re in this far. We’ll arrest them. Dispense Human justice.”

Thor considers his words before leaning back in his seat with a nod. “Yes. You are correct. I erred in my rush for personal vengeance.”

“All right,” Steve says, adjusting course to head toward the boat. “Danny? Where are you?”

“Right here, babe,” Danny says, swooping down in front of them.

“You want a ride the rest of the way?” Steve asks.

“Sure,” Danny agrees, flying into the open helicopter and landing behind Chin and Kono.

“Good job in locating her, brah,” Chin says, turning in his seat once Danny has on his headphones.

“Wasn’t too hard to find them. Kamekona says they are spectacularly stupid,” Danny says. “We’ll be home by dinner.”

“Yay Team,” Kono says, her words dripping with sarcasm.

“You are not pleased, Scarecrow? That justice will be served with such alacrity and I will be reunited with Jane?” Thor asks. Danny has to turn down his headphones, wondering why they didn’t warn him.

“I want to help you get Jane back,” Kono assures him. “But if they are that dumb, it won’t be much fun to take them.” They all flinch when Thor laughs, the helicopter dipping momentarily.

“I too enjoy battle with worthy opponents,” Thor agrees. “You will all join me and the Commander when we feast and drink. We will celebrate our glorious victory.”

“We haven’t achieved any sort of victory as of yet,” Steve reminds him.

“It is only a matter of time,” Thor says in great humor.

“I suppose it is at that,” Steve says. “Here’s the boat. Hold on.” He straightened the helicopter and flew it higher when a missile whizzed by the windshield. “Well. That was unexpected.”

“I’m on it, babe,” Danny says, leaving the chopper.

“I will assist him,” Thor decides, removing his headphone and jumping out.

“Come on, Steve. We can’t miss all the fun,” Kono says, looking over the side to make sure the boat’s still there.

“All right,” Steve laughs, flying closer to the boat. No more missiles come toward them and he carefully lands the helicopter on the pad at the stern of the boat. They emerge from the helicopter to see Thor smashing the deck of the boat with his hammer.

“Won’t last very long if he keeps that up,” Chin observes, casually taking his shotgun out of his coat and shooting one of the kidnappers charging toward them.

“Next one’s mine,” Kono says, staring at Chin and daring him to take out the next hostile.

“All yours, cuz,” Chin agrees, nodding his head toward another hostile charging them, his gun firing aimlessly. Steve uses his shield to stop the bullets that get anywhere near them while Kono pulls knives out of her boots and throws them at the charging bad guy. He falls to the deck, dead, one of Kono’s knives buried in what had been his eye socket.

“I wouldn’t retrieve that one,” Steve advises.

“I have more where that one came from,” Kono agrees. “Where is Tin Man?”

“I’m over here,” Danny says, flying up beside the boat. “I’ve found Jane. She’s in a what looks like a jail cell below the water line.”

“Does Thor know?” Steve asks, watching Thor continue to destroy the deck and shoving all comers into the ocean as they try to get near him.

“I don’t know. I can’t get him to stop splintering the deck long enough to tell him,” Danny admits.

“All right. Fly the Wizard down and he can open the cell,” Steve instructs.

Chin nods, fitting his feet into the grooves on the tops of Danny’s metallic boots and holding onto the handles which Danny releases from their slots in his shoulder armor. “Ready?”

“Yep,” Chin says. Danny takes off, flying back over the side where Steve and Kono soon hear a bang and a clank.

“I’d say they got her,” Kono says, using the last of the bad guys as target practice. She has embedded knives in their knees, preventing them from standing back up which is all she needs to do. They will contact the Coast Guard to come collect the ones who survived and deal with the bodies of the ones that didn’t.

“You ought to tell Thor we have her,” Danny suggests when he flies back up with a woman they assume is Jane holding to him. He sets her on the deck where she looks over her shoulder at Thor and smiles.

“He always gets like this when I’m in trouble,” she says with a shake of her head. She carefully climbs down the steps that lead to the lower deck, moving toward Thor and making sure he can see her. His destruction stops immediately and he leaps over to her, scooping her up. He carefully hugs her, holding her close. Certain that she is unharmed, he leaps up to the top deck to land gracefully before Steve and Kono.

“This is Jane,” he says, kissing her gently.

“Hello Jane,” Kono says with a bright smile. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jane assures them. “Thank you for coming for me.”

“You are most welcome,” Steve says with a nod. He watches as Danny flies back up the side of the boat, Chin holding onto the suit. “You’ve met the Wizard and the Tin Man.”

“I have,” she agrees. “Thank you both.”

“Should we go back to Oahu?” Steve suggests.

“What of the criminals who dared abduct my Jane?” Thor asks.

“Coast Guard’s on the way,” Steve tells him. “They are no longer our problem.”

“What if they escape? We must be vigilant until they are secure,” Thor says with a frown.

“Kono either killed them or made it impossible for them to escape,” Steve assures him. “Danny and Chin made sure the boat can’t go anywhere. And you made sure it is sinking. I estimate we have about 20 minutes before we go down with it.”

“In that case, we will depart. We will return to your home base and we will celebrate.”

“Good plan,” Steve agrees, waiting as everyone piles into the helicopter. Jane and Thor take the back seat, Danny riding shotgun, Chin and Kono in the belly of the chopper. “Everybody ready?” Danny looks back at Chin and Kono who raise their thumbs with the all clear. There are no headphones for them but they don’t mind. The trip isn’t very long.

Once the helicopter is secured back on the roof, they return to their offices, Jane shaking her head when she see the blown-out windows. “Did you do this?”

“Yes,” Thor admits in the quietest voice he’s used since he arrived, his eyes downcast.

“Did you apologize?” she asks with an understanding smile that perks him up.

“I am sorry,” Thor announces.

“It’s fine,” Danny says, waving away the apology and Jane’s concern. “We have to replace the windows once a week on average.”

“If you’re sure,” Jane says.

“We are,” Danny says.

“We’re going to change,” Steve announces. “Then why don’t we go to our house and we’ll have dinner?”

“If you are certain we will not be imposing on your gracious hospitality,” Thor says.

“Not at all. It will be our pleasure,” Steve assures him.

“This will please us, will it not, Jane?” Thor asks.

“It will please us,” she agrees, smiling at the Team. “Thank you.”

“I have some clean clothes at his house you can probably wear,” Kono tells her. Jane’s jeans are dirty, one leg nearly ripped off. Her tee shirt is stained with oil and what might be blood. But since Thor isn’t upset about its presence, Kono assumes it’s not Jane’s blood.

“That’s very generous of you, Scarecrow. Thank you,” Jane says.

“Kono,” she corrects with a laugh. “I’ll be right back.” She disappears into her office, the guys already in theirs.

“I’m really fine, Thor,” Jane tells him, a hand on his board chest.

“I know that you would not tell me an untruth,” he says, studying her intently. He curls a massive hand around hers, holding it without crushing any of her fingers.

“Like I could. Once I have a shower and clean clothes, I’ll be 100%.”

He nods, waiting as the Team emerge from their offices.

“Thor and Jane, you can ride with Chin and Kono. Chin’s SUV has room,” Steve says as crosses over to them.

“It will delight us to do so,” Thor agrees with a smile.

“Danny and I need to stop by the grocery store but we’ll be there shortly. Chin and Kono have keys so make yourselves at home,” Steve says.

“If you are unprepared to host us, we will make other arrangements,” Thor says. “We will not impose.”

“No, it’s fine,” Danny says. “We’re out of beer is all.”

“Ahh…we must have mead,” Thor agrees with a nod.

“Right,” Danny says. “You ready, babe?”

“Yep. We’ll see you there shortly,” Steve says, following Danny out. 

“Steve and Danny. They are… friends?” Thor asks, Kono and Chin laughing.

“Yeah. You could say that,” Chin agrees. “They’ve been living together for over a year.”

“Then we will be happy for their good fortune,” Thor says with a booming laugh.

“What about your ‘blood feud’?” Kono asks, really wanting to get the whole scoop.

“Oh. He’s that Steve McGarrett?” Jane asks Thor.

“He is indeed. We proclaimed a truce in order to rescue you,” Thor tells her.

“Good. Make it permanent,” Jane says. And it sounds like a veiled threat.

“If that is your wish,” Thor agrees with a nod.

“It is,” Jane confirms, finally smiling up at Thor. “We have a party to go to.”

“Indeed. We will eat. We will drink. We will celebrate,” Thor proclaims, going down the steps with her.

“What about your BLOOD FEUD?” Kono yells down the steps. When Thor throws back his head and laughs, Kono has the feeling she’ll never learn the entire story.

“Maybe you can scare Danny into telling you,” Chin suggests, following Thor and Jane down the steps and out of the building.

“I suppose,” Kono says, all defeated and sad. “Not the same though.”

Chin just laughs and points Thor and Jane to his SUV. They all pile in and drive out to Steve and Danny’s for food, drink, and a celebration.

Lizet Elaine: Hawaii Five 0::team::God createdsimplyn2deep on June 20th, 2012 01:57 am (UTC)
oh you kill me BB! This was hilarious!

I almost want to watch Thor. I know the guy playing him is HOT!
Are 6 dogs too many?: thor approvestkeylasunset on June 20th, 2012 02:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you!!!

Thor is hottness!! I haven't seen Thor yet but I plan to soon.

d_odyssey: Steve Danny Wolwiegirl13d_odyssey on June 20th, 2012 02:46 am (UTC)
Hahaha, Commander America! Pass the crack, this is good stuff. Very clever and funny. I'm with Kono - what about the BLOOD FEUD. Tin Man, Wizard, Scarecrow - lol. Wouldn't mind Thor on H50 though.
Are 6 dogs too many?: thor approvestkeylasunset on June 20th, 2012 02:34 pm (UTC)
Bood Feud for the win!!!

thank you so much! I had fun writing it. As ridiculous as it is!!

The Huntress: H50Messhuntress69 on June 20th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
“I require your assistance,” the man announces. “I am Thor.”

I lost it at that point. I am laughing with tears coming out of my eyes. Thor and Steve in a Blood Feud and Danny's costume sounds like Rocketman LOL!

Steve is in black head to toe, wearing skin-tight leather pants, and a leather vest over a long-sleeve silk shirt.

I want that in canon! And his shield - You know, like this, only black

Priceless and I love you!!!
Are 6 dogs too many?: thor approvestkeylasunset on June 20th, 2012 02:36 pm (UTC)
I love you for your lovely comment!! Thank you!

Steve in skin tight black leather pants? Oh yes!!! Yes - a thousand times yes!!!

Blood Feud for the win!!! And the shield. I just had to add it. I don't even know what that's about. Crack. Total crack.

Thanks again!!!

--♫ Anna--: SEAL Steverocsfan on June 21st, 2012 12:50 am (UTC)
I love it I love it I love it!!! Kono pulled a gun out of her coffee cup!! Danny is the Tin Man and he can fly!!!! And Steve is Commander America!

Just add ice cream, and my night is complete!
Are 6 dogs too many?: thor approvestkeylasunset on June 21st, 2012 04:05 pm (UTC)
Leather pants for the win!!! That's what I'm saying.

Thank you!! I loved that Kono pulled a gun from her coffee cup. But you were the only one of mention it!! Love you even more for that!

--♫ Anna--: Beer Steverocsfan on June 21st, 2012 12:51 am (UTC)
And Steve is wearing leather! OMG! I can't. I just can't....